School dances: Why are they failing?

April 2, 2012
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You remember the Signature Dance, right?  Or do you?  The identification-themed all-school dance was scheduled to be held on February 10th at 7:30 Pm.  Those attending were to bring white T-shirts so their friends could sign them.  However, on the day of the dance, the Daily Bulletin announced that the event had been cancelled due to low ticket sales. What’s more, this isn’t the first time a dance has been cancelled due to low ticket sales. Several dances were cancelled last year.  This is a problem for many class governments because school-sponsored dances are one of the major sources of the classes’ income, and no income means an expensive prom. The deficit caused by low attendance is so great that the student senate will not be hosting this year’s Black and White Dance.  So...
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First annual CCHS Hunger Games

April 1, 2012
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First annual CCHS Hunger Games

As a general punishment for procrastination, senioritis, tardiness, “mental health days,” and skipping out on studies and classes, inspired by the hype surrounding Suzanne Collins’s latest masterpiece, Concord-Carlisle Regional High School has decided to hold its very first annual Hunger Games this year in May of 2012. Timed just before the seniors graduate and escape the vicelike grip of the school’s rule for good, the Games will serve as a reminder of what high school is really about: pain, competition, and the desperate struggle to simply survive. The administration also intends this as punishment for the slacking that is inevitably occurring at this time of year and states that this is both a time for “repentance and gratitude.” Similar to the reaping ceremony in the novel, one boy and one girl from each grade...
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Class of 2012 lobbies for “rain days”

April 1, 2012
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Class of 2012 lobbies for “rain days”

April showers may bring much more than May flowers this year. In fact, CC seniors hope that their push for “rain days” this spring will catch the administration’s attention. To any member of the senior class, the appalling lack of snow days this year has seemed much more like a curse than a freak weather pattern. Apart from one unofficial “Senior Snow Day” at the beginning of March, there have been absolutely no school cancellations (or even delays) in 2012. But CC students are not about to accept this unusually dry winter without a fight for some time off. “It’s usually taken for granted that we have a few snow days to break up the winter,” explains an anonymous senior. “So maybe we reserve the right to stay at home during, I don’t know,...
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A new take on academics: Appademics

April 1, 2012
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A new take on academics: Appademics

Students attending CCHS next year can expect a thirty-pound package to arrive in their mail in August of 2012 – an iTechPack. This package will include a selection of Apple products: an iPod Nano, an iTouch, an iPhone, an iPad, a MacBook Pro, a MacBook Air, and – it is even rumored to contain – the highly anticipated iStudent, an adorable pocket-sized robot that spits out answers to any and all questions. The school administration reasons that all the products included in the iTechPack are absolutely essential to students at CCHS. “We aim to enrich our students’ lives in any way possible,” says an anonymous school administrator. “Now,” he says, “during breaks in class, students may openly play Angry Birds on their school-approved devices instead of secretly texting under the table. We hope that...
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Prom goes big! (and small)

April 1, 2012
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Prom goes big! (and small)

Rather controversial news reached the student body today when the administration stated that in an attempt to save money, the 2012 junior-senior prom will be combined into a massive, amazing K-12 prom, open to any student in any grade level in the Concord-Carlisle school district!  What’s more, this all-ages extravaganza will become an annual event in the Concord-Carlisle school district.  The dance will be held on the same date as originally planned, except we high schoolers will be accompanied by a few bite-sized bachelors. Several students have vocalized their dislike of this decision, some going so far as to threaten to boycott any and all school dances.  Student Calvin Coffin ’14 says, “It’s bad enough that I’m going to have to share my senior prom with the juniors in two years, but now my little sister is going to...
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Dances during lunch blocks

April 1, 2012
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Dances during lunch blocks

How many school dances have you been to? Many students have stopped attending the school dances due to inappropriate appearance, sexual dance moves, and many other reasons possibly involving alcohol or the lack of it. The dances no longer raise any money for the school, meaning proms may become more expensive. In order to solve this dilemma, starting next school year (2012-2013), dances will be mandatory and will be held in the cafeteria during lunch blocks. A dance will be held once every two months and will cost five dollars each. The lunch ladies and other cafeteria workers will be the chaperones and will provide the refreshments. Worried that people will still grind and be overly sexual? No worries. Every parent of a high school student will be required to chaperone at least one...
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New teacher evaluations to be implemented

April 1, 2012
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New teacher evaluations to be implemented

Beginning in the fall of 2012, a new system of teacher evaluations will be put into place at Concord-Carlisle Regional High School.  Students will now be able to evaluate their teachers based on several different criteria at the end of each quarter.  These evaluations will become part of each teacher’s permanent file and will be one of the factors that will determines overall teacher performance. Students will be able to evaluate their teachers in the following areas: Appearance: Students will rate their teachers on style of dress, fashion sense, and overall presentation.  Particularly, students will be asked to consider if the teacher wears any of the following: shorts with a shirt and tie, shoes that were bought in the 1990s, or holiday-themed sweaters.  The overall goal is that teachers present an aesthetically pleasing appearance...
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CCHS decides to scrap new building, instead building rollercoaster park

April 1, 2012
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CCHS decides to scrap new building, instead building rollercoaster park

Any student that goes to Concord Carlisle High School knows that their high school is already in top condition, with state-of-the-art lighting, ventilation, and building structures. So, when both towns of Concord and Carlisle voted for a new school, everyone was shocked! “Why do we need a better school?!” remarked various committee members.  The towns later came to a consensus that “our current school is just too good for its students already,” and have decided to use the already allocated money to build a new rollercoaster theme park. This theme park is predicted to bring in many new tourists interested in riding the Concord- and Carlisle-themed rides. For example, children will be able to play in a bouncy house filled with multiple mosquitos – and whoever gets the most bites gets a prize! The tourists will...
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